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Caillou
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room. but before he can say anything, he immediately runs out of his room, down the stairs, into the basement, and into the workshop. All while saying “No!” Cut to the G-man hiding in the workshop until he notices the camera has followed him) G-man: Really? You clicked on this? You know it’s Caillou, right? One of, if not THE WORST cartoons for kids of all time? You really want to see this, do you? (The camera makes a motion likes it’s nodding. The G-man sighs) Well, I am the G-man, that’s all you need to know about that, and this is Caillou… (The Caillou theme song starts as clips off the show begin to play) G-man (V.O): Caillou is, like I said before: The worst kid’s cartoon of all time, it started out from a book, then to a show, and it even has a GoAnimate Grounded series that, in my opinion, is actually WORSE, than this! (Cut back to the G-man in his usual location) G-man: Now, as if the regular episodes are bad enough, we’re looking at some BANNED episodes! Oh yeah, this show was so bad, it had a total of (He holds up seven fingers briefly) seven episodes that were banned from airing on PBS and Treehouse! And today, we’re taking a look at all of these banned episodes! Pray for me! (Cut to the episode: Caillou Joins the Circus) G-man (V.O): To start us off, let’s take a look at an episode that wasn’t banned, but still bad. This one’s called Caillou Joins the Circus! It starts off with Caillou dreaming about being, where else? The Circus! He then wakes up, gets dressed, and brushes his teeth when his father, why the official wiki dubs as “Boris”, comes in and tells him that bad news. Boris: The Circus? Oh no, Caillou, that’s not today! The Circus isn’t until tomorrow! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Now, a normal person in this situation would be understanding. Upset, but understanding nonetheless. What does Caillou do? (Cut back to the episode. Caillou begins crying) Caillou: No! No, it’s today! (He cries some more) I got all dressed! It’s today! (Cut back to the G-man covering his ears in annoyance) G-man: Ugh! What a brat! (Cut back to the episode. Caillou is playing with a toy car until one of the wheels fall off) Caillou: Silly old car! Silly! Silly! Silly! (Caillou throws a tantrum as we cut back to the G-man covering his ears until a popping sound is heard) G-man: Meh! I didn’t need those eardrums anyway! Anyways, the rest of the episode is fine, but we’re just scratching the surface of the badness that is Caillou! Let’s take a look at the first banned episode on this list. (Cut to the episode: Big Brother Caillou) G-man (V.O): This first episode is called Big Brother Caillou. The plot is that Caillou gets a little sister, he doesn’t like her, and he thinks everyone is ignoring him because of her. Typical big brother actions… (Cut to later in the episode. Caillou pinches his sister’s cheek violently. Making her bawl and scream. Cut back to the G-man looking appalled) G-man: My god! What the hell is wrong with this kid?! I mean, he does like her in the end, but I’m sorry, who the hell does this?! (Cut to a picture from one of the original Caillou books) G-man (V.O): …And the book is worse! In the book, he bites her! Holy shit! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What the fuck, you psychopathic kid?! You’re not a Walker! You’re not from the Walking Dead! Whatever, let’s just move on! (Cut to the episode: Caillou Walks Around the Block) G-man (V.O): This next episode is called Caillou Walks Around the Block. It all seems fine on the surface, until you learn why this was banned. You see, this episode was banned because of the blatant examples of poor parenting, namely Caillou’s mother Doris being inattentive to Caillou and allowing him to walk around the block unsupervised. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Listen, if you’re a parent of kid who’s under 13 years old, don’t leave them alone! Don’t encourage them to walk around the block where someone might abduct them! Just take them to Chuck E Cheeses and let them be a kid! (He sighs) Okay, I’m sorry for that little (He does the air quotes motion with his fingers) “Parenting lesson” there, but we have to sit through more of this shit, so let’s press on! (Cut to the episode: Caillou’s Quarrel) G-man: Caillou’s Quarrel? I’m not sure if- Caillou: I don't want to play families! I want to play DINOSAURS! (Cut back to the G-man with his mouth agape) G-man: Holy-! Jesus! (Cut to a picture of the sky as a voice is heard) Voice (Presumably Jesus): What now!? G-man: Oh, not you, Jesus! Jesus: No worries! It’s all good! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Hm. What a nice guy! Anyways, what the hell?! Caillou is just a little bitch in this episode! Whatever, hopefully the next episode is better! (Cut to the episode: Caillou’s Getting Older where he and Boris are burying a dead bird) Caillou: Why did the bird die, Daddy? Boris: Well, it probably died because it got too old. (Cut back to the G-man looking shocked) G-man: Wow! I mean, this is a little serious for a kids show! Look, the topic of death isn’t an easy thing to talk about. Even for soldiers who’ve fought in the wars over the years. The reason for the episode’s banning wasn’t because of the topic of death, it was because of showing a bird’s corpse in the first act. I’m sorry if I got too emotional. So, to cheer you guys up, we’re going to drop the curtain in the middle of this Italian opera singer’s performance. (Cut to a clip from Family Guy) Opera Singer: Figara-hi, Figara ha, Figara-he, Figara- (The curtain falls) Aww… (Cut to the episode: Caillou Makes a New Friend) G-man (V.O): Caillou Makes a New Friend, this is the worst one in my opinion! Caillou makes a new friend named Jim who bullies Caillou by wanting to go first. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Now, I absolutely hate bullying, and I hate anyone who does! So, I wrote a little message for the bullies. (He puts on glasses and pulls out a piece of paper) Dear anyone who has ever bullied in their entire life: What the fuck were you thinking? (He takes off his glasses, crumples up the piece of paper, and throws it offscreen) Now that I’ve got that out of the way, let’s continue. (Cut to the episode: Rosie Bothers Caillou) G-man (V.O): This next-to-last one is called Rosie Bothers Caillou. The episode is what you think it’s about; Caillou’s little sister Rosie bothering him. Okay, typical sibling rivalry, nothing bannable-worthy yet… Caillou: Go away Rosie! Go out of my room. Rosie: No, no. (Caillou opens door and kicks her out.) Caillou: Stay out. (Rosie starts crying and bangs on Caillou’s door with a book. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What the-? Holy shit, that was cruel! I mean, who the hell deliberately kicks their own family member out like that?! They make up in the end, but that doesn’t take away the face that he abused her! Seriously, what else can they throw at us?! (Cut to the episode: Caillou’s Crossword) Caillou: Stupid block! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: …And that’s all I’m doing! To be honest, Caillou is one of the worse cartoons for kids of all time! Did the series deserve to get made? No! On the other hand, did his GoAnimate grounded series deserve to get made? Of course not! But to be fair, I’m sure there are good episodes, really, I do! But a part of me believes that there are more bad episodes than good ones! Well, I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! Category:Episode